Has this happened to you? You study the agenda. You pour over the meeting materials in advance so you can ask thoughtful questions. But once at the meeting you sit quiet as a church mouse. You might even disagree with a comment or decision that has been made but you say nothing.  You leave the meeting frustrated and angry and berate yourself for letting your anxiety get the best of you once again.

One of the concepts I really like in Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In is taking one’s seat at the table. She means it both literally and metaphorically. She points out how frequently women marginalize themselves (and hence their voices) in meetings, taking their seat along the wall becoming invisible, their voices never heard.

I used to have horrible anxiety about speaking up in meetings.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say but I was so self-conscious about looking or sounding dumb that I would clam up. A turning point early in my career changed this for me.

When I was an account manager working for a large New York PR firm, the account team had just finished up a client meeting. The Managing Director asked us to stay behind to debrief.

I’ll never forget what he said next.

“None of you had a single f **ing thing to say during this entire meeting. If you are just going to sit there like damn idiots why the hell are you here?”  He looked us each in the eye and said, “Don’t ever show up again to another meeting with nothing to say. Our clients pay us for our expert opinion. If you sit there silently, you are wasting their money and your time.”

Do I have to tell you that it was mostly a group of young women who were getting this lecture?

I never forgot this lesson.  And know from coaching many professional women that  anxiety in meetings is common.

We fear we’ll say something stupid or that our ideas aren’t good enough to share.

Here’s the thing. When you sit in silently in a meeting, you deprive your organization and your colleagues of your knowledge. When you sit silently, you lose the opportunity to make your organization better.

Worse, when you make it a habit of not speaking up in meetings, you leave your colleagues with the impression that you have nothing to contribute.

And nothing could be further from the truth, right?

If you have meeting anxiety here are a few tips to tackle your fears.

Show up and be truly present.
I don’t know how many times I’ve watched other women in meetings find the least conspicuous spot in the room to sit and then spend the entire meeting with their heads down taking notes. Unless you are an executive assistant tasked with taking meeting minutes, look up, engage and show your interest in the topic. Take as few notes as possible (better yet ask someone else for their notes!) and participate.

Plan in advance the questions you’d like to ask.
If you are someone who finds it hard to ask spontaneous questions, think of a few questions or comments in advance of the meeting. Write them down and then ask them at the right opportunity. Your good questions or insights may help advance the group’s thinking in new ways so don’t be shy.

Make it a habit to make at least one comment per meeting.
Cat got your tongue even when you are knowledgeable about the meeting topic? Try to make at least one comment every meeting. Like any new habit, it takes practice and the more you get used to voicing your opinion out loud in meetings, the more comfortable you will become.

Have faith in your own competence.
This is a big one. How many times have you listened to the guy (or gal) sitting next you yammer on and on even though it’s clear he’s bullshitting? You may worry about looking or sounding dumb, but remind yourself that you’ve earned the right to be at the table. Remember that you know as much (if not more) as your colleagues. And think of it this way, most people are so concerned with how they are being perceived in a meeting, that chances are they are too focused on themselves to be critical of you.

Find “low risk” opportunities outside of work to practice speaking up.
I recently met Eleanor, an all around fabulous working mom and an accomplished engineer. She told me that she was naturally very shy and introverted and hated talking in meetings. To get over her fear  of speaking she started volunteering with a local professional women’s group in her city.

She signed up to lead a number of events where she would have to speak in front of large groups. She admitted that while she still “feels like throwing up” (her words!) before she speaks, she’s thrilled that she has finally conquered something she knows was holding her back professionally. I love this strategy of finding supportive and low risk settings to practice new skills.

Next time you are at a meeting monitor yourself. Did you squish into a corner attempting to be invisible or did you confidently grab a spot at the table? Were you engaged? Did you ask questions and build on other’s comments?

Remember you’ve earned it so let everyone see how much you have to contribute. Your thoughts.  Do you suffer from meeting anxiety? How you handle it?

 

 

One of my favorite movies is the “Devil Wears Prada” about a young, up-and-coming journalist who spends a year as the executive assistant to a top fashion magazine editor. As Miranda Priestly, Meryl Streep channels everything we hate about successful female executives. She is mercurial, vindictive and heartless when it comes to getting what she wants.  Her staff and the designers her covet her endorsement live in fear of her. It’s only at the end of the movie do we see a hint of vulnerability when the protagonist, Andie, decides she’s had enough of Miranda’s abuse and quits her job suddenly during Paris Fashion Week.

It’s a fun film with great fashion and terrific comedic performances but it also once again cements the stereotype of the frigid, heartless female executive.

This movie came to mind while I was reading the chapter “Success and Likeability” in Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg’s self-described “feminist manifesto”.

I have to admit Lean In surprised me – in a good way. With all of the negative publicity that has been thrown at Sandberg, I was prepared to not like the book very much.  But as I read each chapter I found myself nodding my head and underlining certain passages.

While I don’t agree with all of her positions (more on that later) I believe in the core message of the book. And that is in spite of the very real institutional biases that still hold women back, there is much that we women do to hold ourselves back. We have more power than we think and it’s time to own it to shape the kind of lives and careers we desire.  

Her message is that society will improve for women when more of us get into leadership roles. That’s a powerful message and while we all may not agree on the best way to get there, it’s a conversation worth having.

This brings me to Sandberg’s thoughts on success and likeability. She cites research that shows that success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. She points to the famous “Heidi/Howard” experiment where two people with the same credentials are presented to a group of students and the students ranked Howard as more likeable than Heidi despite having the same backgrounds.

Women in the top spot are often called Queen Bees, Bitches — or my personal favorite Corporate Nuns (because how can a successful powerful woman be attractive to men?).  While men often get promoted using a command and control leadership style, a woman using a similar style will frequently be labeled as being too aggressive or not a team player.  Furthermore, Sandberg writes:

“If a woman is competent she is, she does not seem nice enough. If a woman seems really nice, she is considered more nice than competent… Acting in stereotypically feminine ways makes it difficult to reach for the same opportunities as men, but defying expectations and reaching for those opportunities leads to being judged as undeserving and selfish…this complicates everything because at the same time that women need to sit at the table and own their success, doing so causes them to be liked less.”

And herein lies the quandary: how to get ahead without getting labeled as unlikeable (and hence un-promotable).  Of all the chapters in Lean In, Sandberg’s lack of solid advice on how to handle the likeability dilemma fell flat for me. 

Rather than focus on being likeable, I wished she would have focused on the importance of strong interpersonal skills and authenticity.

Poor interpersonal skills are one of the key reasons all executives fail.

There is plenty of research that poor interpersonal skills is a major derailment factor for executives regardless of gender. Interpersonal competence includes being a good listener, being available to others, having strong collaborative skills, sharing responsibility, being non-authoritarian, being team-oriented, being trustworthy, as well as being straightforward and ethical.

All of these “soft” skills are vital to career success.

It’s not enough to be likeable but one must be able to make true connections with others and be authentic.

Women need to be comfortable bringing their whole selves to the job and be unapologetic about who they are.

While I work hard to maintain a level of professionalism and focus at work, I’ve been very honest with my colleagues about my personal challenges. I work hard to understand what is going on with my team at home as well as understand their professional hopes and dreams.

At the same time, I never lose sight that at the end of day, I am accountable for leading my function and making tough decisions that may be unpopular. In those moments I can’t worry about being likeable but I can always be authentic. I can be my true self.

I’ve seen women who get promoted into senior positions suddenly change in their new roles. They feel they need to show they are as tough as the men around them and suddenly become brittle and inflexible.

But the best leaders combine strong interpersonal skills and bring an authentic leadership style that inspires their teams and lets individuals shine.

I don’t think there is a silver bullet for the likeability dilemma but I do think that authenticity and strong interpersonal skills, a place where many women already excel, can make the difference between success and failure.

So what do  you think? Do women worry too much about being liked? How have you personally dealt with the likeability dilemma? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.