A couple of weeks ago, the Wall Street Journal posted this article on clutter.  The essence is that when couples fight over clutter, it  tends to be really about power and control. The article goes on to discuss some great marriage-preserving tips.

Early in our marriage Dr. D. and I had our own fights about clutter.  Oh hell, let’s call them what they really were full-scale, out and out Game of Thrones-style battles. Curse words were flying (usually from me),  threats were leveled (usually by me) and doors were slammed (usually by me). 

I agonized over whether our relationship could survive our differences about clutter.

The issue? I’m a  stickler for a tidy house while Dr. D. not so much. I like for things to be put away in their place, while Dr. D. is a champion piler. He likes to stack up papers, books, his gym bag and the like on any available surface.  He’d hang damp towels on the back of door knobs or simply throw them on the bedroom carpet when he was done. I’d run around behind him picking things up and putting them away.

He’d pile dirty dishes on the countertop even when the dishwasher was empty.

It. Drove. Me. Insane.

I begged. I pleaded. I tried to cajole him into cleaning up. Nothing worked.

The more I nagged, the worse it seemed to get.  To make matters worse, Dr. D. hated it when I put his stuff away because he wouldn’t be able to find it.

Sample dialogue.

Him: Where is that stack  of papers I had on the kitchen counter?

Me: What papers?  *snarky tone* Oh, you mean the ones that have been sitting there for the last three weeks?

Him: *fuming* Where. Are. They?!

Me: In the organizer I bought for you TWO months ago that you NEVER use!

Needless to say, these “discussions” were rarely productive.

Flash forward and we’ve now been married nearly six years and life is much more sane. We’ve both mellowed a bit and have learned to compromise and deal with each other’s idiosyncracies.

It’s probably worth noting Dr. D. and I are both eldest children (something my mother pointed out early on would become a sticking point for us as we both like to be in charge) and used to being The Boss. Except for, we dislike being bossed by one another. Dr. hated being told what to do. And I always felt like he was tuning me out.

I had to learn to deal with my own control issues, while still getting my needs met. I wish I could tell you that it was easy, but it wasn’t. With much trial and error, here are a few things that worked for us.

Get a Housekeeper.

I know this is a hot button with many couples. They agonize: To have a housekeeper or not? Waste of money or not? In my mind this is a no brainer and a must especially for working moms. Now I’ll do light cleaning every week to keep my house neat but toilet scrubbing and mopping are not my cup of tea.

I’ve had the same housekeeper for five years. Francisca comes every other week and scrubs the house down from top to bottom. I love it. Dr. D. loves it and it allows me spend more time with D2 and doing things that I love. I’d give up eating out before I gave up my bi-weekly house cleaning service.  A housekeeper is the ultimate marriage saver.

Have a designated space that is a no-go zone for both of you.

Dr. D. and I are fortunate to each have our own home office spaces. His is downstairs in his Man Cave. Mine is up stairs. Both of our spaces are off limits to the other. No matter how many dustballs and piles of paper stack up in Dr. D.’s office, I don’t touch it. When we have company and we go downstairs to hang out, I simply close his office door.

Dr. D. knows that while he might not be a fan of the family picture wall in my office (he thinks it’s cheesy) or my oversized-desk organizer, he won’t touch it.

Understand each other’s clutter hot buttons.

One of Dr. D.’s biggest pet peeves is when I move his stuff. The culprit tends to be his mail that stacks up on the kitchen counter. I  got him an Inbox and put all of his mail and papers in that. I pull out the bills to make sure they get opened but the rest I leave for him to deal with. I don’t know how often he goes through it but every now and then I catch him doing a purge and recycling junk mail and the like. He’s happy I don’t touch his beloved papers and I’m happy to have everything contained in a nice neat box. Score.

A strong relationship is better than an immaculate home.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned is that a little clutter is worth it if it means having a strong relationship. I’d far prefer a happy home life over a spotless house any day.

Becoming a mother has also forced me to relax my standards a little bit a lot. If  you are a parent you know that trying to keep a house super clean with kids around is nearly impossible. Any given weekend our family room looks like a toy bomb has gone off  with toys scattered everywhere. But even D2 has learned to pick up his toys at the end of the day and to put them back in his toy box.

These days Dr. D. has been really good about hanging up his towel and picking up his clothes off the floor. Does he fold them and stack them as neatly as I would? No, but I can live with it and when things get a little out of hand in our shared master closet, I simply straighten up and keep it moving.

Your turn. How do you manage clutter in your house?  How do you keep it from becoming a marriage killer?

A few weeks ago, I was privileged to attend  the Type A Parent Conference on behalf of the Shot@Life Initiative.  While there I met (as I usually do at these conferences) an incredible array of dynamic women. What struck me mid-way through the first day was how many of these women had worked what might be considered “high-power” corporate careers and left those careers to raise children.

But rather than focus solely on childrearing, the majority of the women I talked to ran active consulting businesses and other entrepreneurial efforts – work they could fit around their parenting duties. When I asked what led them to start their own businesses, invariably the answer was “flexibility and autonomy”. 

More women might stay in the workforce if they had more job flexibility.

Any parent knows how crucial flexibility is not just when the kids are small but through the teen years. And while American companies are becoming increasingly enlighted the reality is that it’s very tough to work a demanding job and raise a family. Over the course of my 15 year career, I’ve encountered more than a number of women who chose to leave their careers to stay home to care for their children.

Now there are many compelling reasons to take time off of work from wanting to be there for your child during her formative years to saving on child care costs. Because let’s face it, when childcare costs outstrip the salary of one parent, it often doesn’t make economic sense for both parents to work.

But I have a concern that with so many talented and highly educated women leaving the workplace, non-profit organizations, educational instiutions and corporations are missing out on incredible talent. 

Our country’s antiquated family leave policies combined with the lack of flexibility of most companies, leave many women with no choice but to leave and create careers that works for themselves and their families.

If a woman were to ask my advice about temporarily leaving the workforce to raise children, I’d tell her Don’t Drop Out. Power Down.

Powering down might look like going from full-time to half time. It might mean job sharing. Or it could mean doing a 40 hour week in four days. 

It means keeping one foot in the door of the labor force while creating a career that is flexible enough to accommodate your family needs.

If  you are an employee in good standing, first try and negotiate a more flexible arrangement before quitting. Employers hate to lose top talent and you may be able to create a schedule that’s a win-win for you both.  I have agreed to several such situations for employees in my own department and it’s worked beautifully.

I’m also seeing a trend where women are leaving their organizations, incoporating themselves as consultants and then contracting with their former employers and securing other clients. I think this is a smart alternative for women looking to stay in the workforce but who need more job flexibility.

Be warned there is a downside to doing this. Leaving your job and working as a contractor or consultant means missing out on benefits such as healthcare, flexible spending accounts and 401(k) contributions. It means the potential loss of steady monthly income. But in return you gain autonomy and flexibility to fit work around family obligations.

You gain the ability to do work on your schedule and not someone else’s.

At Type A, I met a fabulous woman who was a brand consultant. She had held executive-level marketing positions at several Blue Chip companies but decided to power down her career so she could spend more time with her two children.

Over the course of several years, she built a very successful brand consulting practice working with small and medium-sized businesses.

When the Great Recession hit, she scaled back her business and focused on her kids. Now that the economy is coming back she has more clients but is able to manage them around a schedule that fits her lifestyle.

Why power down? There is a cost to leaving the workforce if you think might want to break back in one day.

Over the last few months I’ve interviewed numerous women who’ve decided to return to work after an extended hiatus. Not surprisingly, they are having a hard time finding jobs. Considering the market is already glutted with highly qualified people who have been laid off in the last few years, it’s not a shock their job searches are taking many, many months.

Competition for every job opening has gotten tougher. Case in point, I recently posted a position for a Director-level position and received over 200 applications.

And while it’s not fair, some  employers don’t look favorably on women who voluntarily leave the workforce. All the more reason to think hard about quitting your job if you think you may want to return to work in the future.

Need a few other compelling reasons to consider powering down rather than dropping out?

Maintain your competitive edge. 

If you’ve been out of the workforce for awhile some employers won’t see you as competitive as other candidates. They fear your skills have become obsolete, that you’ve forgotten how to work in a team-based setting, or that you just won’t work very hard. The list goes on.  

Whether you’ve powered down or taken a hiatus, it’s critical to keep up with your industry (and take a class or two if needed).  When you are ready to jump back in with both feet, you can then demonstrate your skills are current and you are knowledgeable about the trends and issues driving your field.

Keep your network intact.

It’s far easier to keep your network intact if you keep your foot in the door. Sure school and community volunteer efforts can lead to job leads and contacts, but nothing beats keeping up with your professional network. If you do power down your career, try to maintain your professional association memberships. Attend a conference every now and then so you can continue to expand your circle of influence. Maintaining an active professional network will pay dividends if and when you decide to go back to work full time.

Ensure you stay mentally sharp.

There is something to be said for continuing to challenge yourself intellectually, working or not. The  professional women I know who opted to jump off track for a few years are incredibly smart, gifted and all around talented individuals. To a woman they all said the thing they missed the most about working full-time was the intellectual stimulation.

Of course there are lots of ways to keep your your analytical skills sharp from reading trade publications, part-time consulting, guest lecturing at your local college or university, and certainly volunteering.

These days there is more good news for women opting to power down. More companies are using part-time, contract and temporary services which means there are far more opportunities to create your own business and build a roster of clients who will gladly pay for your skills and expertise.

Despite all of the gloom and doom about the job market today, there may be no better time than now to start your own business, get paid to do what you love all while giving your family the attention they deserve.

So what do you think? Are you thinking about quitting your job to stay home full time? Or  have you made a choice to power down your career? If you have done so already, what has been your experience? Would you do it again and what would you advise other women who were considering doing the same? I want hear from you!