You’ve seen him. The kid running around the restaurant dodging coffee-serving wait staff.

Then there’s the kid screaming at the top of his lungs that he wants chicken nuggets and NOT meatloaf while his parents try to shush him to no avail.

And don’t forget about the kid who insists on tearing all of the sugar packets and scattering their contents on the table and floor.

The truth is people get really irritated by kids who aren’t theirs.

And so the public is in revolt.

Parents with unruly kids are getting kicked off of airline flights.

Restaurants and upscale stores are declaring child-free zones.

Some businesses are even levying baby-surchages (WTF?).

I grew up with a mother who strongly believed that children only learned how to behave properly when you took them places. That’s what the old schoolers call Home Training.  She didn’t believe in the “children should be seen and not heard rule” and so even from a young age the three of us kids went to museums, ate Sunday brunch at four star hotels and generally went where most people wouldn’t dare bring kids.

A chef friend of mine once confessed that she dreaded families eating at her establishment because once the family finished, their table looked like a Category 5 hurricane hit it.  Kids can be noisy and messy. Top that off with parents who are either oblivious or insensitive and you get a recipe for landing on the Restaurant Black List.

The other day, D2 and I stopped off at McDonald’s (and yes, we go to “Old Mac Donald” – as D2 calls it – don’t judge me) for a post-grocery shopping ice cream. A kid about four years old was sprinting around the restaurant yelling at the top of his lungs while his grandmother chased him around.

D2 looked a the little boy and then at me and said, Mama, we don’t run around in the restaurant. It’s not nice.

God, I love my child.

I tell him, that’s right we don’t run around because we know what happens to little people who run around like wild animals. 

He looks at me all serious, We have to go home and get a time out. 

Damn right you do.

Parents who let their kids run amuck give those of us parents who don’t a bad name.

But I get it.

You want to expose your kids early in life to different social settings to teach them how to behave. Maybe you’re just desperate to get out of the house and don’t want to spring for the extra $50 bucks it’s going to cost you to hire a babysitter to watch your tots.

If you are bound and determined to eat out with your child, you need this advice.

Here are five simple strategies to keep your kid off the Restaurant Black List.

There is a way to have a somewhat enjoyable meal out with your kids while not driving other restaurant patrons crazy or having a restaurant manager threaten   tell you to never come back. And you don’t even have to relegate your meals out to Chili’s, Golden Corral or any of those other plastic-food serving joints. Dr. D. and I have used these strategies many times over with great success.

Avoid dinner primetime and eat out early.
I miss those days of eating dinner at eight and nine at night really I do. But if your kid’s bedtime is any time before 9pm what sense does it make to take them out at seven? No, it’s not that fun to eat dinner early but on the plus side, the restaurant is less crowded and the waitstaff are far less harried. Your food will arrive promptly thus enabling you to avoid hunger -induced meltdowns. Remember a tired and cranky kid is a disruptive kid.

Order appetizers and dinner together.
I used to love lingering over a glass of wine while I perused the menu. These days, I’m a bit more hit it and quit it. Our strategy is to order our appetizers and main course at the same time; we don’t wait for our server to come back and to take our order for the main course. We also tell the server to bring D2′s meal out right away so that he can start eating.

Clean up any mess you’ve made on or around your table.
Kids are messy we all know that. But just because you are eating out doesn’t give you the right to leave your table a disaster zone. No one expects you to bus your own table but do your server a favor and try and keep your mess to a minimum. Pick up nasty globs of food and scrunched up napkins holding mystery offal and at least consolidate them onto an empty plate. Clear up piles of sugar or salt and pepper (what is it about pouring stuff on tables that children love so much anyway?) your tot may have dumped.

Ask for the check to be delivered with your meal.
Congrats, you’ve made it through most of your meal and for some totally random reason your tot starts flipping out. You haven’t finished your meal but she is ready to go NOW. You’re getting death stares from the couple at the table next to you. You’ve got a couple of options when this happens. One of you can get up and take your screaming tot outside while the other pays the tab. You can wait it out and hope your child suddenly calms down (highly unlikely and not recommended). Or do what Dr. D. and I do. We always ask for our check to be delivered with our meal and we pay for it while we are eating. This way if D2 starts bugging out, we can beat a hasty retreat without waiting more time to pay for our check.

Leave the fancy restaurants for dining out a deux.
It’s so tempting to bring your tyke to that fancy restaurant you’ve been meaning to try out, but think twice. First off, it’s no fun for them or you to be in surroundings where you can’t totally relax. Eating out is one of life’s great pleasures but if it means dining in hushed or uptight surroundings you are asking for trouble. Make it easy on yourself and save that  12- course molecular gastronomy tasting menu for when it’s just you and your main squeeze.

Finally, if your kids are walking and talking, I’m a firm believer in setting expectations. Now that D2 is three I explain to him where we are going and how I expect for him to behave. We talk about how much fun we are going to have but that we want to be nice to other people by having good manners.

You are probably thinking this sounds rigid and boring but actually we have a great time eating out with D2. True eating out with a toddler means that we can’t be in a restaurant for more than hour and a half (max!) but our system gives us a chance to get out and have fun as a family without wreaking havoc on our fellow diners.

Your turn. What strategies have you learned to have a sane diningout experience with your kids? What are your pet peeves? Do share in the comments!

 

 

 

Do you remember going to the gym right after the New Year? It was packed. You couldn’t get onto your favorite machines. The cardio room was a sea of sweaty faces determined to make this THE year they finally lost weight.

What about those other resolutions?

Eat better.

Network more.

Go to bed earlier.

Get organized.

It’s February now. How are you doing on those resolutions? I was at the gym this week and was struck by its emptiness. Where did everyone go?

Another one bites the dust.

Most of us lose steam on our New Year’s resolutions well before February comes along.

Why?

I’ve been thinking a lot about goal setting and what I want to accomplish this year.

Because of my younger brother’s death right before the holidays, I’m behind in my own 2013 goals.

I’m okay with it though because I’m thinking differently about how I’m approaching my planning this year.

Two weeks ago I flew home to California to attend my brother’s memorial service. I had a lot of anxiety about going. We had to delay the memorial by month because of the police investigation into Bart’s death and holding a memorial nearly five weeks later felt like ripping a bandaid off a wound.

How would I handle all of the people wanting to talk about Bart?

What would I say about his life?

What if I started crying and couldn’t stop?

My worries were unfounded.

My mother made it her mission to make sure that Bart’s memorial was more of a celebration of his life than a teary goodbye.

My brother’s favorite foods were served at the reception: Chipotle burritos, pizza, pasta salad, chips and salsa, diet coke and chocolate cookies.

His favorite jazz music  was playing in the background. My sister put together a kick ass slide show with photos of my brother from his all too brief 38 years.

Then we told stories.

I was amazed at the many ways people remembered my brother. We shared stories about his love of sports, his obsession with fitness and his competitiveness even as a little child.

We talked about how important family was to him and how he constantly badgered our dad to eat better and get more exercise.

We talked about how much he loved his alma mater the University of Virginia and his fraternity Kappa Alpha Psi.

His friend Tom talked about Bart’s love of movies and his ability to quote whole passages from some of his favorite movie characters.

If you want to know what goals to set think about how you want to be remembered.

The memorial was an oral history of all the things that mattered to my brother.

A few days before I left my parent’s house my mother asked me to look through a few of Bart’s belongings she had set aside for me to take home.

My brother’s bi-polar disorder often made him messy, disorganized and incapable of following through on plans.

I wondered with some trepidation what my mother was planning to give me.

Out in the garage was a large plastic tub with hundreds of baseball cards neatly catalogued and archivally preserved.  I also found dozens of pristine comic books still in their original plastic covers.

Bart had been collecting baseball cards and comic books since high school. I knew this but I had no idea how serious a collector he really was.

The collection was worth thousands of dollars and my mother gave me her blessing to sell it to when it comes time to send D2 to college.

Suddenly it all made sense.

Bart had a Masters in Library Science and was getting a second degree in Information Sciences when he was killed. Research, meticulous cataloguing and archiving was something he knew how to do well and he used those skills to do something that brought him joy.

Going through his comic book and baseball collection made me see him in a different way.

It was clear that Bart spent a lot of time on the things that mattered to him: his fitness and his collections of music, comic books and baseball cards.

I wonder had he lived longer would he have more fully realized his incredible talents.

I think so.

On the plane ride back to home I reflected on the celebration of Bart’s life.

If you’ve never had someone close to you die, one of the worst things beyond the initial shock is going through your loved one’s belongings.

It’s a visual reminder that the person you knew and loved is truly gone.

Their belongings are a catalogue of what mattered most to them.

On that long flight home I started thinking about how many times I had set goals that weren’t very well thought out or that I had no intention of keeping but were carried over from the previous year.

Sometimes I set goals that in the scheme of my long-term plans weren’t very productive.

Sometimes I set goals that were too ambitious or that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to fulfill, like going to business school.

It took me years to get my act together. For years I talked about how I wanted to go to business school.

I thought a lot about it but never took any action. My inaction really bothered me but I just couldn’t get myself organized to apply to school.

The wrong goals drain your energy and take up mental space.

I eventually got my MBA a few years ago but it was only after Dr. D. called me on the carpet and told me to either do it or quit talking about it that I finally got off my duff.

So here’s the question.

If you have year after year of unfulfilled (or unfulfilling) goals what does that say about the decisions you are making and how you spend your time?

Look back at the goals and resolutions you made for the last few years.

How many did you accomplish?

What’s been the impact on your life?

What didn’t you do?

What’s been the impact on your life?

Too many of us set bullshit goals without really thinking about what truly matters.

Thinking about goal setting in the larger context of your capital ”L” life is heavy.

When you think about your legacy and how you want to be remembered, suddenly the decisions you make and the goals you set start to look a lot different.

But don’t freak out.

The point is don’t clutter your mind and life with lots of activity and stuff that ultimately doesn’t help you get to your higher purpose (what ever that may be).

My friend Deacon Tracey Hughes has written a terrific post on her blog Vine2Victory on an doable strategy to help make your goals and resolutions achievable.

If you need a bit more help (most of us do),  I also love blogger Jonathan Mead’s post on how to plan a visionary quest to help you gain clarity (and develop an action plan!) about your annual  goals.

So this year while I don’t have my plan all figured out,  I know this: No more bull shit goals.

Focus on the few things that will help you do what you love and care about. Focus on the things that make you better.

A better friend.

A better stamp collector.

A better mother.

A better gardener.

Whatever.

Just make it make matter. Make it worth remembering.

Your turn. How do you go about setting goals for yourself? What’s worked for you and what have you learned along the way? Share your thoughts in the comments. I’m listening.