Has this happened to you? You study the agenda. You pour over the meeting materials in advance so you can ask thoughtful questions. But once at the meeting you sit quiet as a church mouse. You might even disagree with a comment or decision that has been made but you say nothing.  You leave the meeting frustrated and angry and berate yourself for letting your anxiety get the best of you once again.

One of the concepts I really like in Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In is taking one’s seat at the table. She means it both literally and metaphorically. She points out how frequently women marginalize themselves (and hence their voices) in meetings, taking their seat along the wall becoming invisible, their voices never heard.

I used to have horrible anxiety about speaking up in meetings.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say but I was so self-conscious about looking or sounding dumb that I would clam up. A turning point early in my career changed this for me.

When I was an account manager working for a large New York PR firm, the account team had just finished up a client meeting. The Managing Director asked us to stay behind to debrief.

I’ll never forget what he said next.

“None of you had a single f **ing thing to say during this entire meeting. If you are just going to sit there like damn idiots why the hell are you here?”  He looked us each in the eye and said, “Don’t ever show up again to another meeting with nothing to say. Our clients pay us for our expert opinion. If you sit there silently, you are wasting their money and your time.”

Do I have to tell you that it was mostly a group of young women who were getting this lecture?

I never forgot this lesson.  And know from coaching many professional women that  anxiety in meetings is common.

We fear we’ll say something stupid or that our ideas aren’t good enough to share.

Here’s the thing. When you sit in silently in a meeting, you deprive your organization and your colleagues of your knowledge. When you sit silently, you lose the opportunity to make your organization better.

Worse, when you make it a habit of not speaking up in meetings, you leave your colleagues with the impression that you have nothing to contribute.

And nothing could be further from the truth, right?

If you have meeting anxiety here are a few tips to tackle your fears.

Show up and be truly present.
I don’t know how many times I’ve watched other women in meetings find the least conspicuous spot in the room to sit and then spend the entire meeting with their heads down taking notes. Unless you are an executive assistant tasked with taking meeting minutes, look up, engage and show your interest in the topic. Take as few notes as possible (better yet ask someone else for their notes!) and participate.

Plan in advance the questions you’d like to ask.
If you are someone who finds it hard to ask spontaneous questions, think of a few questions or comments in advance of the meeting. Write them down and then ask them at the right opportunity. Your good questions or insights may help advance the group’s thinking in new ways so don’t be shy.

Make it a habit to make at least one comment per meeting.
Cat got your tongue even when you are knowledgeable about the meeting topic? Try to make at least one comment every meeting. Like any new habit, it takes practice and the more you get used to voicing your opinion out loud in meetings, the more comfortable you will become.

Have faith in your own competence.
This is a big one. How many times have you listened to the guy (or gal) sitting next you yammer on and on even though it’s clear he’s bullshitting? You may worry about looking or sounding dumb, but remind yourself that you’ve earned the right to be at the table. Remember that you know as much (if not more) as your colleagues. And think of it this way, most people are so concerned with how they are being perceived in a meeting, that chances are they are too focused on themselves to be critical of you.

Find “low risk” opportunities outside of work to practice speaking up.
I recently met Eleanor, an all around fabulous working mom and an accomplished engineer. She told me that she was naturally very shy and introverted and hated talking in meetings. To get over her fear  of speaking she started volunteering with a local professional women’s group in her city.

She signed up to lead a number of events where she would have to speak in front of large groups. She admitted that while she still “feels like throwing up” (her words!) before she speaks, she’s thrilled that she has finally conquered something she knows was holding her back professionally. I love this strategy of finding supportive and low risk settings to practice new skills.

Next time you are at a meeting monitor yourself. Did you squish into a corner attempting to be invisible or did you confidently grab a spot at the table? Were you engaged? Did you ask questions and build on other’s comments?

Remember you’ve earned it so let everyone see how much you have to contribute. Your thoughts.  Do you suffer from meeting anxiety? How you handle it?

 

 

 

 

 

“What I learned after years of scraping my way to the top, was there was no There There.”

These were the words uttered to me by one of the most successful business women in Kansas City. I was in my early twenties having lunch with a board member of the foundation where I worked as a program officer. I had gotten to know Linda and asked if she would be willing to have lunch with me so I could learn from her about how to manage my career.

I was in awe of her.

At the time she was the founder and CEO of a very successful legal temporary services company, one of the first of its kind in the country.  She had started the firm after a storied career at one of the city’s largest law firms where had become one of the only female managing partners of major law firm.

I was young, ambitious and hungry to learn from a woman who had achieved a successful career and status as one of the most influential executives in the city.

I had expected her to tell me about long hours in the office and the sacrifice of vacations and time spent with family. I expected her to tell me about the trials and travails of the glass ceiling and how she overcame those obstacles to succeed in a male-dominated industry.

I didn’t expect her to tell me that once she got to the top spot, she discovered that all that glittered wasn’t gold. Maybe I had heard her incorrectly.

I hadn’t.

During that hour lunch she broke it down for me. She shared how had been passed over for multiple promotions. She described the long hours in the office and weeks of travel working on complex legal cases. She spoke of her anguish of time away from her family.

After nearly two decades in the business she gave it all  up to start her own company. People told her she was crazy to leave her lucrative partnership at her law firm to start a business. This was after all before temporary work for white collar professionals had become commonplace as it is today.

She ignored the critics and started the firm anyway.

Her company became wildly successful and she eventually sold it for millions of dollars to a major temporary services company.

I’m reminded of that conversation now as the debate about women, career achievement and work-life balance once again dominates our attention.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In is hot off the presses and has been hotly debated for weeks. In it she urges women to claim their power and confront their limitations to propel themselves further, faster in their careers. Sandberg certainly has plenty of critics and boosters. Regardless, I think she’s raised an important discussion around women, leadership and the delicate balance of work and life. I’ve held off weighing in on Sandberg’s manifesto until I’ve read the book. But I’m anxious to dig in and share my insights.

So over the next eight weeks, I plan to dedicate a blog post to themes raised in the book and some not covered but that I think are important. I’ll talk about the issues surrounding women and ambition, career planning and the fertility factor, the importance of political savvy, the connection between leadership and fitness, women and competition and the likability factor. I can’t wait to explore these issues with you and get your thoughts!

I’m also excited to be part of a group of working mom bloggers who participate in a weekly Twitter Chat hosted by Working Mom Journal. We meet every Wednesday at 9pm EST and tweet under the hashtag #WorkingMomChat. This week we’ll be talking about the debate surrounding Sheryl Sandberg’s book, her philosophy and what it means for women.

Are you ready?

Let’s get to work!