Last week my friend blogger Blessing over at WorkingMomJournal, made an impassioned pitch for why she thought working mothers needed to embrace nannies, housekeepers and other household help. She referenced a blog posting by Meagan Francis of the Happiest Mom. In the post Meagan sought to clarify why she employed household help on occasion and start a frank dialogue among her readers about why having domestic help was so stigamatized. Apparently, she had been chastised by her readers for not coming clean about hiring help. A reader even judged her authenticity as a homemaker.

I’ve written in the past about my need to outsource as a working mom and was curious about other bloggers’ take on the issue. I have to say I was surprised at the vehemence of the comments on her blog – more than 200+ weighing in on the topic. Some mothers commented on how they felt guilty about wanting to hire help to either allow them more time for themselves or simply get control of busy households. Other mothers firmly stated that hiring help was nothing short of laziness and a shirking of one’s motherly duties – not to mention a waste of money. The column was even picked up by the New York Times spurring more vigorous debate.

Most of my friends in my circle (stay at home and working moms and those without kids who are just busy professionals) have some kind of help and frankly it never occurred to me that this would be such a hot topic. So what is going on? It got me thinking about what the meta-message to all this debate might be. It’s understandable (especially in this economy) that not everyone can afford to hire household help but why is this such a contentious issue? Why do women who say they want help feel guilty about asking for it?  Is it the anti-elitism/anti-bourgeois sentiment that seems to dominate our popular culture these days that makes people uncomfortable with hired help? Is it self-indulgent and pretentious as some comments implied? Or is it that as women we still wrestle with our roles as independent beings with hopes, dreams and aspirations apart from our children and husbands that  runs in conflict with our role as chief nurturers, care givers and keeper of all things domestic? Do we secretly feel guilty that needing help is somehow an admission that we are really not cut out to be good mothers and wives after all?

I don’t have the answer but here’s what I know for sure. The myth of being the do it all, handle it all Super Woman is just that – a myth.  Being a mother and running a household, regardless of whether you have a paying job or not, is damn hard. Life today is busier and more chaotic than ever. I believe every woman deserves as much help as she can possibly afford.  The average woman is working a job, then coming home to cook dinner and handle childcare, do laundry and a myriad of household chores.  Yes, it’s rewarding but it’s also exhausting. If you are one of the rare birds married to a sensitive new age guy (SNAG) who joyfully splits the housework 50/50 good for you. Celebrate.  Most women are not and if you don’t believe me Google what married couples fight over most.

When I was a young graduate student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison studying Anthropology, I remember reading about polygamous societies and thinking it might not be so bad under certain circumstances. Fact is being in a household with multiple wives (especially if they are your sisters – called sororal polygyny) could be quite advantageous (except for the sharing your husband for sex part). You could split household and childcare duties and have lots of good company. Alas, that’s not a legal reality in the US  - and probably a good thing, really.

So yeah, I have an amazing nanny who watches my son during the day and a fab cleaning lady who keeps my house from turning into cesspool. Having this help makes me a better mother to my son, a better wife and lover to my husband and a better employee. Having this help allows me to be more me and less Shrieking-Rat-Woman-Banshee from Hell. I’m only half-kidding when I say that if I could afford to have a wife (who didn’t sleep with my husband) I’d probably do that too but for now I’ll take the outside help for long as I can afford it. I don’t judge people who have moral qualms about having hired help and I don’t celebrate those of us who do. What I know for sure is that we need to ask for help without feeling shame or guilt. If you can get that help for free through extended family, great. But for many women, especially working moms, hiring a little help can make all the difference between between being content and going crazy.

What do you think? What is it about our culture that makes us feel so ambivalent about hiring household help? Do you agree with those who think it is self-indulgent and lazy? Or is it a necessity for working families who can afford it?

This is part two of my thoughts on searching for a nanny. Even if you are used to hiring and firing people on the job, finding someone to care for your little one can be an agonizing process. After all, you are choosing someone who will become a member of your family. Yesterday I detailed how to go about setting up your search and interviewing your top candidates. Once you get past the phone screen and the in-person interview outside of your home, you are ready for the home visit.

Step 6: Schedule the home visit for your finalists. This is a nervous moment for you and your candidate(s). After all, you are inviting a stranger to your home. You are trying to suppress all of the nanny horror stories you’ve seen on Date Line MSNBC.  Your candidate is equally nervous. She’s worried your child is going to turn out to be the devil’s spawn or that you and your husband will be ecstasy-snorting swingers. This is a time where you are carefully checking each other out for compatibility and signs that may be red flags. Schedule the home visit for a time when your children will be awake. Keep the visit to about an hour. Show her around your house and where your children eat, sleep and play. Let her meet and play with the kids. See how she relates to them and how they relate to her. Ask her about how she might structure a typical day with your children. And make sure to ask her about her own questions and concerns.  Finally, even if she will primarily only be dealing with you, if you have a significant other make sure to let the nanny meet him or her as well to ensure you have good chemistry and a high level of comfort.

Step 7: Complete the reference and background check. By this time you should be down to one or two candidates. This is an important step that should not be skipped. You may also want to drug test your nanny.  There are many companies that will do a thorough background check for $200-$300. Believe me, it’s money well spent for your piece of mind. Since most companies do background and drug test these days, you can start by asking your own HR department for recommendations. Alternatively, go to your local DMV and police precinct to check your nanny’s driving record and potential criminal history. If you are using an agency, they will do this for you.  You will also want to call all of her references. Ask not just about what they loved about her but what concerns they had.

Step 8: Make the offer and draw up the contract! Once you find the nanny you can’t live without, make her an offer. There are many templates online that you can consult or have your family attorney draw up your own. Your contract will state the work to be done, hours, salary, vacation time and other details of her employment. Give her time to review the contract, ask questions and make amendments if necessary. Once you are both comfortable with the arrangement, sign the contract! 

Step 9: Set up a schedule to transition your nanny in. This is a critical step for you and your children. You should plan to have your nanny work side-by-side with you in your home for at least one week preferably two. I had Eva start working half days one month before I went back to work. This time will give your children a chance to get to know the newest member of your family. It will give your nanny a chance to learn your household routines. Most experienced nannies keep a nanny log to track your children’s activities, meals, medicines given and diaper changes (for infants). If your nanny doesn’t have a preferred way of logging the day’s activities, I love this form from Mommytracked.com . You can make multiple copies, stick it in a three ring binder along with your emergency contacts and vital information and give to your nanny.

Step 10: Schedule a brief check in meeting at the end of each week. Like any relationship, yours with your nanny will do best with lots of open communication. Don’t assume she knows what you want. It will take some months for her to get to know your likes and dislikes so don’t leave her guessing. Give her feedback both positive and things she can improve upon. Ask her for feedback as well about how things are going for her and what would help to make her more effective. As a busy mom, you’ll often be rushing around and will be tempted to skip this step but make time at least once week to have a meaningful check in.

Bonus Step: Show your nanny some love. As a mother, you know that watching children (especially young children) is a tough, exhausting job. It takes a special person to find joy in caring for active children all day long. Finding a caring and conscientious nanny is a blessing. If yours is doing a great job, make sure you let her know often through your words and deeds.  I could not be successful in my job if it weren’t for Eva who allows me to go to work worry-free while she watches D2. I am grateful for the love and care she provides in my absence.

If you are currently looking for a nanny, please let me know if this post has been helpful. If you’ve gone through your own nanny search, what other advice would you give to parents?