A couple of weeks ago, the Wall Street Journal posted this article on clutter.  The essence is that when couples fight over clutter, it  tends to be really about power and control. The article goes on to discuss some great marriage-preserving tips.

Early in our marriage Dr. D. and I had our own fights about clutter.  Oh hell, let’s call them what they really were full-scale, out and out Game of Thrones-style battles. Curse words were flying (usually from me),  threats were leveled (usually by me) and doors were slammed (usually by me). 

I agonized over whether our relationship could survive our differences about clutter.

The issue? I’m a  stickler for a tidy house while Dr. D. not so much. I like for things to be put away in their place, while Dr. D. is a champion piler. He likes to stack up papers, books, his gym bag and the like on any available surface.  He’d hang damp towels on the back of door knobs or simply throw them on the bedroom carpet when he was done. I’d run around behind him picking things up and putting them away.

He’d pile dirty dishes on the countertop even when the dishwasher was empty.

It. Drove. Me. Insane.

I begged. I pleaded. I tried to cajole him into cleaning up. Nothing worked.

The more I nagged, the worse it seemed to get.  To make matters worse, Dr. D. hated it when I put his stuff away because he wouldn’t be able to find it.

Sample dialogue.

Him: Where is that stack  of papers I had on the kitchen counter?

Me: What papers?  *snarky tone* Oh, you mean the ones that have been sitting there for the last three weeks?

Him: *fuming* Where. Are. They?!

Me: In the organizer I bought for you TWO months ago that you NEVER use!

Needless to say, these “discussions” were rarely productive.

Flash forward and we’ve now been married nearly six years and life is much more sane. We’ve both mellowed a bit and have learned to compromise and deal with each other’s idiosyncracies.

It’s probably worth noting Dr. D. and I are both eldest children (something my mother pointed out early on would become a sticking point for us as we both like to be in charge) and used to being The Boss. Except for, we dislike being bossed by one another. Dr. hated being told what to do. And I always felt like he was tuning me out.

I had to learn to deal with my own control issues, while still getting my needs met. I wish I could tell you that it was easy, but it wasn’t. With much trial and error, here are a few things that worked for us.

Get a Housekeeper.

I know this is a hot button with many couples. They agonize: To have a housekeeper or not? Waste of money or not? In my mind this is a no brainer and a must especially for working moms. Now I’ll do light cleaning every week to keep my house neat but toilet scrubbing and mopping are not my cup of tea.

I’ve had the same housekeeper for five years. Francisca comes every other week and scrubs the house down from top to bottom. I love it. Dr. D. loves it and it allows me spend more time with D2 and doing things that I love. I’d give up eating out before I gave up my bi-weekly house cleaning service.  A housekeeper is the ultimate marriage saver.

Have a designated space that is a no-go zone for both of you.

Dr. D. and I are fortunate to each have our own home office spaces. His is downstairs in his Man Cave. Mine is up stairs. Both of our spaces are off limits to the other. No matter how many dustballs and piles of paper stack up in Dr. D.’s office, I don’t touch it. When we have company and we go downstairs to hang out, I simply close his office door.

Dr. D. knows that while he might not be a fan of the family picture wall in my office (he thinks it’s cheesy) or my oversized-desk organizer, he won’t touch it.

Understand each other’s clutter hot buttons.

One of Dr. D.’s biggest pet peeves is when I move his stuff. The culprit tends to be his mail that stacks up on the kitchen counter. I  got him an Inbox and put all of his mail and papers in that. I pull out the bills to make sure they get opened but the rest I leave for him to deal with. I don’t know how often he goes through it but every now and then I catch him doing a purge and recycling junk mail and the like. He’s happy I don’t touch his beloved papers and I’m happy to have everything contained in a nice neat box. Score.

A strong relationship is better than an immaculate home.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned is that a little clutter is worth it if it means having a strong relationship. I’d far prefer a happy home life over a spotless house any day.

Becoming a mother has also forced me to relax my standards a little bit a lot. If  you are a parent you know that trying to keep a house super clean with kids around is nearly impossible. Any given weekend our family room looks like a toy bomb has gone off  with toys scattered everywhere. But even D2 has learned to pick up his toys at the end of the day and to put them back in his toy box.

These days Dr. D. has been really good about hanging up his towel and picking up his clothes off the floor. Does he fold them and stack them as neatly as I would? No, but I can live with it and when things get a little out of hand in our shared master closet, I simply straighten up and keep it moving.

Your turn. How do you manage clutter in your house?  How do you keep it from becoming a marriage killer?

 

Recently, I sat down with Alisha Walker, one of half of the dynamic duo known as the Marriage Coaches.  Alisha, a Licensed Professional Counselor, and her husband Ben, a minister, are on a mission to help couples create strong, healthy life-time commitments to marriage. I had the privilege of meeting Alisha last fall at Blogalicious Weekend in Washington, DC. When she told me about her and her husband’s practice and their mission to strengthen marriages, I knew I wanted to introduce her to my readers.

Tell me a little about The Marriage Coaches.
We work primarily with people who are married or engaged to help enrich and save their marriages. We also work with singles before they get engaged. Our belief is if you know more about how to make marriage work, you can prevent some of the issues that married people struggle with.

Want want people to learn what marriage is supposed to really be about. In premarital counseling we talk about the fairy tale versus the reality. Too many people are caught up in the fairy tale of marriage but what we strive to do is show you what marriage really looks like. It’s not about the fairy tale!

In addition to your counseling practice, you and your husband are very active in social media.
Yes, we have the website, we have a radio program and of course we are on Facebook and Twitter.  We want to talk about the positive side of marriage. There is too much bad press out there about marriage. We want to be able to offer tools for people to use at home, church, or their men’s or women’s group- where ever.  

What prompted you to focus your practice on marriage counseling?  
I have been counseling individuals for 17 years but it’s been in the last five years that Ben and I have worked together. It’s been a good partnership especially when it comes to working with husbands. We found that men respond to other men. We talk about how men can be good husbands. So many people in our community, especially men, come from single parent homes where the mother is the dominate figure. They’ve had no role models. So we bring men to the table with other men to help strengthen families and show them what it is to lead their families.

You see many different types of challenges in your practice. What do you think are the main issues that couples struggle with today?
 If you boil it down, it comes down to a handful of things:  out of proportion expectations, lack of forgiveness and the unwillingness to work hard. Couples have to be able to forgive both big and small things. People believe in fairy tales rather than the real work of marriage. We find that in popular culture there aren’t many realistic images of marriage. A lot of problems come from couples having expectations of one another but they haven’t articulated those expectations to each other.  Couples need to share their expectations. They also have to understand why they have those expectations and then be able to voice them in a respectful way.  You have to talk about even the smallest of details. 

You and your husband have a book coming out later this spring, tell me about it.
Yes, we are working on a book called “I Love Being Married: A Guide to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage.”  In the book we talk about ways to handle common challenges that come with marriage: conflict management, the best way to love your spouse, and how to make sure you are getting your needs fulfilled. It’s really key in all relationships to look at how a person needs to be loved. Ultimately, we are trying to get couples to stay together – to make the commitment.The book will have a work book and tools for couples to use together or in a small group setting. We are especially hoping to engage men in this process.

For busy couples who are balancing work and family, what do think are the keys to keeping a marriage strong? Communication, spending time together, and keeping your friendship – that is so key. Couples focus so much on the job and children that sometimes they forget what it was that drew them together. Have you talked to your spouse lately about what’s bothering him or her at work? What is something new that you may not know?  Educate yourself about your spouse. If your spouse is your best friend, it will be hard for someone or something else to get in between you.  

You are a working mother with five children, how do you balance a busy counseling practice with motherhood?  You know that big cup of coffee on your masthead? That’s how I do it! Coffee!  Honestly, I have a really helpful, supportive husband. We work together as a team. We have a lot of support from friends and family. I have to make sure I take care of myself. Prayer, seeking quiet time and good friends and family all help. You can’t do it alone. It’s really important to have a support system.   Prepare, plan and communicate in advance and then have a good support system.

To learn more about Alisha and Ben Walker’s counseling practice, their upcoming book and get a wealth of tools to help your marriage, visit them at  www.themarriagecoaches.net